I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
