Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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