As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
