It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
