Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
