i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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