i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
