he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
