We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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