I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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