I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
