I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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