I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize