Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize