Don't make out with my wife yet
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I supernannyed him into submission
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
