farters have to be the big spoon...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
