the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
