two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
