I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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