It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize