i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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