Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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