By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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