Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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