The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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