Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
