You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
