Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
