I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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