Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
