One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
