just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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