the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
