I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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