My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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