I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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