So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
