I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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