:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Randomize