I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
