she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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