I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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