Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
