I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
