Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
