I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Randomize
