i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
then he tried to convert me to islam
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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