Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
