I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
