overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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