My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
