she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
