theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
