when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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