I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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