I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
