My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
