im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
someone owes me an orgasm
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
