Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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