I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
